Month: January 2012

and maybe I don’t like February either but I can’t tell till I get there. I have no memory of not liking February but my oh my I think I have always not liked January.

January doesn’t feel right. It’s all ennui and anxiety. All throw everything out including myself. Erase, Erase. Erase!

It seems every January I try to delete myself. Last January I closed my blog Hugz and opened this one. I imported all the posts from the one into the other and then deleted past posts that weren’t relevant or were deemed unworthy or boring or too personal or stupid or…I’ve been blogging since 2005 and my stats show something like 315 posts, if you include the ones I deleted it would be three times that many, at least.

A lot of people think of January as “new year, new beginning”, I think of it as “delete, delete, delete” and not for positive reasons. It’s not like I want to start something new but more like I want to get rid of what’s old – not for any particular reason except that I’m tired of it. January makes me tired.

Maybe it’s the hibernation gene left over from pre homo sapien times, we just sleep more and have less energy in the cold winter months; preserving our energies and food stores against hard times and Spring. I don’t know.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to shed it, my identity, my past, with no looking to the future. Which leaves me where? Don’t know, never thought about it till I started to write it done just now.

I don’t want to be someone else, I just don’t want to be me, or be here. And that’s not here as in where I physically am, because you all know how much I hate where I live, but just not here. Makes no sense except that it does. If you’ve ever felt this way. If not, then lucky you and don’t trouble yourself with trying to understand. How often do I really make sense anyway?

January is not like September.

September is always filled with hope and joy and New New New! Probably goes back to childhood when September meant a new school year and new clothes (sometimes), new books, pens, pencils. Paper – clean and crisp and blank; ready for new and better stories. September is forward – bigger, better! Not a re-invention but a building on, and up – higher, better!

I like September very much…

But I don’t think I like January at all.

My father had a thing for threes. He would always give 3 kisses – one on each cheek, one on the lips. As I got older it was one on each cheek and one on the tip of my nose and then one on each cheek and one on the forehead. And he always expected 3 kisses in return.

My father always said if he won a million dollars he would have it changed into pennies and then just sit in those pennies and toss them around. Then he would laugh.

Years after he died I would often find 3 pennies, always face up, in the oddest places, at the oddest times. One morning I was waiting for the bus, I was late for work. I was hopping on and off the curb, looking at my watch, craning my neck to see down the street. Where was the damn bus? Then I looked down and there were 3 pennies, arranged in a triangle, heads up. I laughed – it was Daddy.

If I dreamt of him, the next morning I would find pennies. It was never one penny, or two, or four. Always 3, always heads up – altogether, or just one step apart. I could be walking down the street, glance down, see a penny, pick it up. Take another step and there would be another penny, another step, another penny. I’d think “Daddy, you are playing with me” and I could almost hear him laughing.

Always pennies. Always 3. Pennies for kisses…

And I am sure many opportunities are tempting. I’m not too sure what the problem is with temptation except that is has acquired a negative connotation. But that’s not want I want to talk about.

Some folks left “Happy New Year” greetings on yesterdays post and I thank you very much for your good wishes. I’ve always responded to that greeting with “check back with me in December”. But I’m not feeling flip so I will offer these most sincere wishes:

In this new year I wish for you opportunities, that you recognize them, utilize them and grow them into whatever your notion of success is.

I wish for you more genuine laughter, at yourself, with others and just for the sheer joy of the sound and how laughing makes your body feel, as well as your soul.

I wish for you passion – be it physical, mental, emotional or political. Get your blood pressure up there, not because of cholesterol but because you are caught up, swept up in something. Anything. Get a little hot under the collar.

And then laugh. With exhilaration, pleasure, triumph, a sense of absurdity, joy…

And I wish for you the comfort of knowing you are never alone, that we are connected, each one with the other – and that some of these connections are palpable on a daily basis – even across the ether.

Don’t forget to smile. I don’t care how bad the day is, there is always a reason to smile, and if you really can’t find a reason – then smile at someone and make their day better.