Not only in a material way but in an emotional way.
Lately I have found myself not only happy in my reclusiveness but happy in my pulling away from personal attachments and emotional and psychological attachments.
It hasn’t been a conscious effort. It hasn’t been any effort at all to tell the truth. It was just there one day. I was thinking about family. I don’t have one. I never had one. I think I only missed having and or being a part of a family because I thought I was supposed to. This troubled me. The not caring part, not the ‘not having/being’ part. The feeling unnatural part when I knew that for me, it was not unnatural.
Running this through my mind, trying to find some reason why what is so important to others has no meaning for me. And why is this so? And why am I made to feel like there is a part of my psyche missing because I don’t miss having a family. Or feel a need for family. What is wrong with me, I thought.
‘Family’ was just one of the normal attachments I’ve never had, and struggled with understanding why I didn’t. I never felt I was missing anything. I never wanted the attachments that are considered normal. I never felt a need for them. I loved and was loved, yes. I gave and received affection, friendship but when it was gone, it was gone. And not mourned, perhaps missed in a nostalgic way. Good times and all, you know.
But then I laughed out loud. A warm laugh. A laugh of acceptance. There is nothing wrong with me.
My non-attachment is just who I am. I am not attached to material things; I accumulate them for their use, chose what pleases my senses AND my practicality. When a material thing is no longer useful, nor does it please my senses, I get rid of it. It is just a material thing and carries no emotional weight.
And when people leave my life, or I leave theirs, there should be some sort of emotional distress. My only distress has been that there hasn’t been any distress.
I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to fit my emotional/psychological life into what I have been told is the norm. It hasn’t ever suited me. It hasn’t ever felt natural and real to me.
It is not that I don’t love. I do. It is not that I don’t have real affection for the people in my life. And it is not that I no longer get angry at the ways humans mistreat and hurt other living creatures. I do. And I cry for others pain and joy. I am moved by a certain kind of sentimentality, or by any kindness to me.
Maybe it is a matter of getting older and becoming who I really am. Becoming the essence of myself. The self that was burdened and smothered with trying to mold itself to the norm and the expected. I no longer feel the need to fit that mold.
I don’t feel that I am making myself clear. If I could draw then I would draw pale warm light. I would draw gossamer wings. I would draw oneness. I would draw all encompassing arms.
I am both solid and ephemeral. I am filled with this crazy joyousness in nothing and everything.
I am wondering whether I am at the end of a journey or at the beginning of one…