Month: May 2015

Glossary for my many brains

Published on by Grace

Pin Ball Brain: This is the slowest of my brains. Also the one that makes the most sense, in the long run. A thought crosses my mind and I sit with it. Explore it. It makes me think of something else that might or might not be related. I explore that. It reminds me of another topic – related, maybe. Eventually, on a good day, the bits of thoughts and information stored away result in an Aha! moment. Connections made.

Skitter Brain: This is the fastest and makes no sense at all. A mental comment. Another mental comment. Neither has anything to do with the other. “It’s warm in here. I really need a pedicure. Yellow is my favorite color.  I’d like to take a nap. What the hell am I going to make for dinner”
Skitter brain – no rhyme or reason. It happens most when I’m sitting still and just doing nothing.

Squirrel Brain: Half way between Pin Ball and Skitter.  Semi-intelligent mental note leads to another, somewhat related observation, which reminds me of something else entirely and then it’s “Ohhh, shiny!”

Watch a squirrel sometime – “Oh, a nut – I’ll eat it but wait there’s another one, maybe I should get that one and put it away for later.  Wait, wait – I think I’ll run up and down that tree for a while. Oh look, a nut”

Just thought you might want to know this – for future reference – in case it ever comes up again.

I’m hungry.

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Alone/Lonely – Certainly not the same thing

Published on by Grace

you can be one without the other. I’ve always defined lonely as wanting/missing something, or someone, you had before but don’t have now. Make sense?

I am alone. A loner. Always have been, always will be. It’s who I am – no problem. I don’t really think of myself as an introvert. I like people. I can live without them tho.  I interact easily with anyone and everyone. And give me an audience, I’m singing and dancing.  I don’t like crowds and I don’t like people touching me without permission. I’m not really one to hug people I don’t know well.  And sometimes I not comfortable with hugging people I DO know well.

This train of thought was promoted by a post from my friend Jennifer – and it reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago. About a particular person and my relationship with him. Rooting around in my old writings there is so much about that person and that relationship. How incredibly dysfunctional it was and I have repeated that dysfunction in every relationship I have ever been in.

Oh my old therapist and I would have a high old time if we could sit down and talk all this through. I suppose it all boils down to repeating the same behaviors, trying to get them right. Things is, you never get them right because they were wrong from the very beginning.  Ye-ha – I don’t even want to think about this any more – makes my head hurt.

Anyway, this is the old poem I wrote sometime back in the mid-80’s

Alone – but lonely?

  No – not that…….

exactly

Just apart from,

that is ………….

not a part of.

He and I – alone,

us two, then

we’re together

He and I and

anyone else then

I’m alone and not

a part of

Not we or us or

together

Just me – alone

and he with them.

He a part of….

Me apart from…

Lonely – not exactly

Just alone,

Just one,

Just me.
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At 2:34am

Published on by Grace

It’s 2:34am I decide to sleep
– but sleep has other plans.

Aggrieved! My brain voice shouts
– and laughs.
Aggrieved! in an indignant voice.

a-GGrieeeve-D!
soft the a; hard the g; long drawn out e’s –
Now punch that D.

It’s 3:34am – Am I asleep?
Awake? – My brain voice says
“aggrieved” – I feel a smile.

It’s 6:34am. I slept, I dreamed.
I laughed. I know I did.
I dreamt the word – aggrieved.

5/4/2015

Haven’t a clue what it means. But it happened – just this way.

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