Deep down – still there.

My desktop computer is approximately 7 years old, perhaps 8 and it is getting a little temperamental. It’s a 21.5 inch iMac and I’m not so sure I want to get another desktop tho I certainly appreciate the screen size.  I have an iPad that’s about 3-4 years old and it is slowing down to a crawl and I definitely don’t want to get another one of those. I am so over iPads.  I suppose I could have anything I want, there is money in the bank but how much do I really want to spend on this mishegoss?

I went to the dentist yesterday for what I thought was my ‘final’ fitting but the doctor is starting to get really picky, especially because of all the problems he has had with the lab. My next appointment is in approximately a week and half, and THAT should be my final fitting with me finally getting teeth approximately a week and half after that – so mid-February I should finally have teeth. The last time I had teeth in my mouth was May 18, 2017 – so nine months without teeth and my bank account is now $39,000 lighter.

I know that seems like a lot of money, but when you take into account ALL the dental work that has been done, and all the visits I made for work that I was not charged for, and when you see the gorgeous teeth I am going to have – well, it’s really not so much.

On the other hand – Please people – TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH.

The only reason we can afford these things is because my husband is still working and I have my social security. We ARE NOT rich by any means but we can pay our bills without robbing Peter to pay Paul.  For now.

Of course we have to save against the day when my husband is no longer working. Our income will take a large hit when that happens and there will be very little for extras and indulgences.  Part of me says – “Get the big ticket items out of the way now” and the other part of me says “Yes, but you could do without and bank that money”.

I tend to think I don’t deserve to be spending any money at all – and that has always been a big personal problem. I don’t think I deserve to have anything beyond the barest essentials. Doesn’t matter how hard I have worked or the sacrifices I have made. I am unworthy and undeserving.

That is just so f**king sad.  And there is nothing I can say to myself, or that anyone can say to me that will change how I feel. That feeling is now hard-wired into my brain. Because someone, a long time ago, beat that into me, physically and verbally.

No matter how many hours a person spends on the psychiatrist’s couch; no matter how much personal effort goes into ‘getting over it’, ‘putting it in the past’ – a person doesn’t and can’t.  Not really; it only seems that way sometimes to people on the outside.

Inside, we are still there.

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