but it annoys the crap outta me. All the happy horse manure is what I’m tawkin about. Just be happy. Decide to be happy. Turn that frown upside down. Don’t be depressed. Just be happy. Be grateful.  Bullshit.

You know what, even if I could, and I can’t (just ask the people who are taking happy pills and are still staring longingly at the knife drawer) and I don’t wanna. What I want to do is FIX THE GODDAMN PROBLEM.

My usual depression has, over the last few weeks, deepened to the point where I’ve been dangling at the end of the rope thrown over the rafter while I balance precariously on a wobbly chair.  That bad. It’s been that bad before but not for a lot of years – still.

(And, NO – this has jack all to do with the current world situation. Yeah food has been hard to come by but I’ve cut back on the whole eating thing so – hey, I already live in social isolation – so I’ll stay home, where would I go anyway?)

I reach this point when I can see no way out, no way to change. When my back is pushed so far into a corner the corner is closing in on me and I can’t even lift my arms to push away.

So yeah, ever been in that place? And was telling yourself to decide to just be happy an option? Did it work?  Or yeah, how about yoga – that’s another good one – maybe there is a form of yoga you can do hanging from a rope, or when you curled up in a mewling, puking, quivering ball on the floor – hey, you know, you’re already on the floor, right?  Meditation is another good one – if we could not think all these bad thoughts, if we could shut them down, space away from them, don’tcha think we would?

I don’t know about other people, but when I write, share however I’m sharing, these feelings, I am not looking for answers – I am simply looking to be heard and seen. I’m not looking for advice. If I want advice I’ll ask.

I have been passively dumping some of this shit on my ‘friends’ these past few days – ah, the temptation of social media.  Post some wretched depressive shit and then delete it. And maybe a few people read it and they are all “What-What?” And then they say “I’m here for you” except they’re not. They are hundreds, or thousands of miles away.

And then two things happened – someone actually DOES something – a small thing – from 3000 miles away – they send me flowers. I have been heard. I have been seen.

And the second thing is – I CAN make some of those changes – I have made them but now I own them. They are my new normal. I was explaining this, in an email, to the friend who sent the flowers and I’m just gonna copy and paste it here –

“I am feeling better because: After our shopping excursion I am happily committed to eating very little, only what I want, when I want. I love NOT cooking. I love NOT eating food I don’t want when I don’t want to. I love NOT having to clean up the kitchen. I love NOT sitting on an uncomfortable couch watching stupid tv shows.  For the past 5 – 6 days since I have sunk into this very deep and dark depression I have stopped doing all those things – and guess what I have lost 6 pounds and my blood pressure is normal, my hip has stopped hurting (stupid couch) and while my back always hurts, it is hurting a lot less – And then the kicker to the lifting – YOUR FLOWERS. So fucking perfect. 

I am once again re-inventing myself – I swear over the years I have had more alters than Sybil – I miss some of them – particularly one of my most recent – Margo Flutterby – I miss Margo but I couldn’t do right by her. So I’m back to Broadway Matron – not sure who she is but I’m comfortable with her right now. I’m keeping the name Grace because I love that name and I’m good with it – the rest of my names – pfft – I don’t want middle, birth, marriage names – none of them are me, probably never were. I deleted my facebook page and made a new under Broadway Matron – I have no intention of using it for anything except – I don’t know – looking at cute animal photos? 

Love you to the moon and back – (put me down in your practice book as a success story – you have no idea how much you have helped).”

BTW – My friend is a therapist, so the reference to her practice book…I think what I meant was her case files, but there you go.