I just don’t care. 

So here we are at the warm and fuzzy family traditions time of year. What I call the ‘faux family holidays’.  And once again, I have the dichotomous reaction  of understanding on an intellectual level but not on an emotional one. (Sometimes I understand on an emotional level but not on an intellectual one, depends on the issue.) 

I try to participate, albeit on a minimal level, such as the sending of Christmas cards, but I do just that little bit only so I will receive cards in return. I like receiving “stuff” in the mail and I do like all the pretty images and the family photographs. I also know that receiving such cards is a tit-for-tat exchange. If I don’t send, I don’t get. If I don’t reach out, then no one reaches out to me.

And that is MY fault.  I don’t initiate relationships. I like to think I am open and amenable but I don’t initiate. I’ll have to give some thought as to why not – fear of rejection? Deep seated feeling of unworthiness? Who knows – some sort of psychological/emotional disconnect/misconception.

I truly do not feel like I am missing anything by not having any attachment to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I know why it is important to all y’all but my intellect says “What a bunch of phoney made-up nonsense”.  

The older I get the less I care. I don’t recall ever being excited about Christmas and certainly Thanksgiving held no significance at all for me – even as a kid. Sure, sure, big dinner, turkey left in the kitchen because turkey was just an alien food-stuff in our Italian-American kitchen. 

I must admit tho that I did miss the whole Easter basket thing – don’t know why that typical American tradition made such a big impression on me. 

I was 7 when my brother was born and I made a point of providing him a lot of these holiday traditions that were not a part of MY life. So yes, by the time he was 2 years old or so, and he was becoming aware of things like Christmas stockings or Easter baskets I made sure he had them. I sent him an Easter basket until he was well into his 60’s. 

So maybe these holidays are only for the children? They weren’t a significant part of my childhood (except as they were always fraught with high drama and so carried no pleasant memories) but I made sure they were part of my brother’s. Perhaps the more pleasant memories I provided for him offset the unpleasantness provided by other family members.

I feel sorry for my husband – he used to love Christmas and the first few years we were married I tried to do the whole Christmas tree/decoration/happy stuff for him. His children were young so I suppose I did it for them as well. But once the children were no longer a consideration I kinda stopped doing the ‘thing’. 

As for Thanksgiving – Oy! I really am not fond of turkey or mashed potatoes or any of the foodstuffs associated therewith – but of course they are favorites of my husbands and up until last year I cooked that nonsense for him – I just ate the cranberry sauce because that’s all I like. Can you imagine, cooking all the stuff for just 2 people? And then only one of them eating it? Yeah, that is not going to happen anymore. 

Therefore Thanksgiving and Christmas are complete non-days – falling into the category of “Oh, wait – what day is it?” 

I’m even re-thinking the holiday card thing. I think that is off my to-do list because I simply don’t want to do it. I can’t find any inspiration. I understand after this hellish year people are looking for any reason to smile but I can’t find that smile within me. I just don’t know what to say to people. There are people on my ‘list’ who wouldn’t understand a ‘Hello’ card. Hell there are people on my list who don’t give a good sized god-damn whether I’m alive or dead but those folks are my husband’s relatives. 

My husband’s family think I ruined his life (we married when we were in our mid-40’s), little do they know that I am the only reason he is still alive with money in the bank. Fuck ’em. 

So, yeah – that’s what’s on my mind this morning.