Month: February 2021

through a phase where I withdraw.

 I have very limited interactions with the world in real life, which is why this whole lock-down, virus isolation thing has had no affect on me. The only friends I have are internet friends, the only contact I have with the outside world is via the internet so that is what I am withdrawing from – at least in the limited way I have been involved thus far.

I’ve never been one for FB participation or Twitter or even Instagram. Over the years with FB I have deleted my account, changed my name and identity and acquired and then deleted ‘friends’. I currently have something like 12 ‘friends’, at my max involvement I think it was 37 (ok, that’s an odd number to pull out of the air). 

A kabillion years ago when I started blogging I had more readers and commenters and more involvement in the blogging world – now I have few readers, few commentators and I don’t think there really is a blogging community. 

I’m not complaining, not really, because any loss of  interaction is my, what shall we call it, fault? I have changed my blog name, url, platform so many, many times over the years. always looking for something new, more fun, a different identity. 

Some personas I outgrew, like Dragonsalley. I’ve had a thing about dragons since I was a child and now, and for sometime, they don’t have a place in my world, real or imagined. I don’t relate to them anymore. 

I’m still loving Margot Flutterby and I wish I had the guts to be her but I’m already an outlier and Margot is so far out there and totally unrelatable to anyone except me. 

I used to post a link to blog posts on FB, I won’t be doing that anymore. I used to post photos on Instagram of my cat, but she’s gone. Maybe I’ll take one photo a day of something or other and post that on Instagram. What I like about IG is that one doesn’t really have so spend much time with it – and what I don’t like about IG is that one doesn’t really have to spend much time with it. There is no conversation, no discussions and lord knows I love me a good discussion.

Actually there is no discussion anywhere on the interwebz anymore – blog comments used to be a real pleasure – now the only comments that are welcome are agreeable ones – don’t dare offer a different opinion or another POV, it’s their blog after all and if you want to have an opinion then start your own blog. So much for a discussion. 

Sometimes I’ve gotten annoyed, not publicly, when people comment on aspects of a post that were of the least importance, but I realize that people comment on what they can relate to. I think “No one got my point”. Well, maybe they did and they just don’t care LOL 

Anyway, I’ve never written to educate others but rather to educate myself, mostly about myself. I can sometimes step back and look at who I’ve been and be interested, or confused, about who I was, or am, and how I got this way. 

One of the dead horses I continue to beat is that I’ve yet to come across someone like me. Why am I always looking for someone like me? A yearning to belong? As much as I am inured to not belonging anywhere I think the desire, even need to belong, is an essential one. Does anyone really want to be the lone ranger? 

Eh…

Twice a week I get up at the crack of dawn to do laundry. I don’t have a washer/dryer in my apartment but rather we have 2 community laundry rooms on each floor. My mind wanders as I go through the automatic motions of laundry,

I almost always have music playing in my head and the early morning hours usually inspire old time hymns. It seems you can leave the church but the church doesn’t leave you. This morning it was “We Gather Together”.  I never think about why one song or another is on my mental playlist, they just show up.

As I was folding my old, beat-up, ill-fitting clothes I was thinking about the ‘old’ days, and for me that is the 50’s, 60’s and even into the 70’s. The old days when we would get dressed up to go to the doctor. The old days when traveling was a luxury experience and one dressed accordingly. Now we wear our most comfortable clothes when taking a plane but back in the day, hoo-boy, you broke out your best and brightest. And long distance trains rides? Another occasion for your Sunday best.

And speaking of your Sunday best – No matter how poor you were you still had ‘Sunday’ clothes. You only wore them for the few hours it took to get to church and get back home, then everything was spiffed up and put away until next week. You got into your ‘play’ clothes right quick. Do Not scuff those Sunday shoes!

And remember how ‘Sunday’ clothes got recycled? Sunday shoes got rotated to ‘school’ shoes as your school shoes got rotated to ‘play’ shoes. ‘Sunday’ shoes were the only new shoes you ever got and they were always one or two sizes too big when new, you know, so you could grow into them and they could be recycled. Same with coats – Sunday to school to play. 

Oh my goodness, it just dawned on me – we are coming up to Easter, aren’t we? Easter clothes! New shoes, a dress, perhaps a Spring coat and a hat – these then became your ‘new’ Sunday clothes for the year. 

And just this minute as I searched for a closing paragraph I thought “These mindless activities are triggers for a meander through pleasant memories” and then I thought “These are the times when you are told to be mindful, be in the moment” But – as I keep saying, if you are mindful, aware of the moment, you lose the pleasant meandering. Mind meanderings and day dreaming – music and memories – I can’t think of a better way to spend a little time. 

~ Sometimes you just want to read good writing; you just want to settle into, and revel in the words. To that end I’m reading “Brief Lives” by Anita Brookner. Or should I say re-reading, turns out I read this very book 4 years ago. 

I’ve been reading a series of books by a particular author, same cast of characters, the crew of the Belfast murder squad. As murder/crime books go, not horrible but the author churns out like 2 a year and the plots kinda repeat themselves, as do some of the criminals. I needed GOOD writing, nay even GREAT writing so I remembered Anita Brookner. 

What is it about language used well that is so mesmerizing? There is no complex plot to this story, it doesn’t tear along but, BUT, you just merge with the words. I put the book down reluctantly, it’s not the story I’m all involved in, it’s the words. Or is it the story and the way it’s told that makes it so involving. Plus this woman has an astounding vocabulary. Just to read an intelligent story written by someone who is a master of the language without being a pedantic bore…Pure pleasure.

~ It’s been six weeks since Miss Frankie left us and I miss her something awful. I miss her in particular but I also miss having a cat living with us. You don’t realize what a lot of work cats are until you don’t have to do it.  The accommodations in your daily life you make, all the space you have now that cat trees, steps, dishes, blankets, toys are gone. But also the laughter – I always said “What do people do for laughs if they don’t have cats?”  Now I have no cats. 

~ In the past week I kept reading about people bemoaning that they were getting old and by old they were talking 60. 60? That ain’t old, not even close. I wouldn’t mind being 60 again. If they are getting all depressed about 60 I can’t imagine what they will be moaning about when they are 70 or 75 or even older than that – it’s so far down the road for them. It just amused me that they think their life is over, or something. Or there is an urgency, like the clock is ticking more loudly. maybe it is, but your clock has been ticking since you were born and everything has its time. But old? Life over? Opportunities absent? Oh please, get a grip! I’ll be 75 this year and I am still convinced that one of these days I will be living in those castles in the air I keep building. 

~ I wouldn’t say I am an insensitive person but gosh oh golly gee whiz folks, when it comes right down to it,  if you’ve seen one sunset/sunrise, you’ve seen them all. Truly you have. I’m not impressed by red skies, show me something new or different, otherwise – I’m just not impressed, I’ve seen it before, almost exactly or near enough. So call me a philistine, a grouch, an insensitive clod with no appreciation for nature or beauty, jaded – fine with me. I never tire of photos of birds tho – show me your birds! 

~  Today was another lovely day – the sun was shining! Yay! So I convinced my husband to take a stroll around the parking lot – it’s a big parking lot – it was good to get outside and walk a bit – walking a bit is about all either of can manage but, ya know, something is better than nothing. 

I really need to get back to my book…

 Edited and all but I like it…

 It’s been, what, a year since the virus lockdown? It has hit so many, many, many people hard and that’s not counting the people who have died. Some of those people were the agents of their own demise and others were innocent bystanders, pandemics are never pretty.

Bitchin’ and moaning is not just a national pastime, it’s a constant loud hum and thrum through the air. Acceptance and adjustment doesn’t seem to be an option. Rationality doesn’t seem to be an option. 

The latest, of course, is vaccine availability. Oh my the whining. How much of ‘supply and demand’ do people NOT understand? And really, what makes you special? Can anyone argue that healthcare workers, first responders (fire fighters, police, emts) shouldn’t be the first and primary recipients?  And then, please yes, the folks working in grocery stores and other retail outlets that provide the necessities of life? You’re not one of these people? Then sit down and shut up. 

The vaccines can only be produced so fast and distributed so fast. You can’t have what doesn’t exist. Is this hard to understand? 

The vaccine distribution in my state is so ferkockte as to be a joke.  Am I old with underlying medical conditions? Yes. Is my husband old with even more dire underlying conditions? Yes. Do you see me bitchin’ and moaning? No. (That’s gotta be a first, right?) 

Am I even more paranoid about going out, wearing a mask, which by the way I never found onerous, yes, I am.  Am I all sad and depressed about social isolation – No. I’ve been living in social isolation for 8 years now – I’m used to it, it’s no big deal any more. 

Biggest worry on my plate is that I have to have an outpatient medical procedure that requires anesthesia, which in turn requires that I have someone to accompany me home. I do not have such a someone. The procedure is not an immediate necessity since it stems from my hospitalization back in September.  But it does need to be done, and eventually it will be. The getting home part will be dealt with the way I always deal with things – I’ll manage by myself – I have no other choice. Done and done. 

Is my life situation better than that of many thousands of other people? Abso-fuckin-lutely! Do I know it? You bet your sweet ass, I do. 

Please stop getting your shorts in a knot over things you have no control over. Get real. Count your blessings, put things in perspective and for pity’s sake, shut the hell up! 

And for those folks who truly are in dire situations – y’all need to shout a little louder. 

 The United States Postal Service has been less than wonderful recently thanks to the previous federal government administration and is on track to getting even worse. They do have one nifty service tho, called informed delivery They will email you images of your soon-to-be-delivered mail. How soon is another matter. 

I received an email this morning with an image of what most certainly is a greeting card from our daughter (as well as several other pieces of mail, including a bill I’ve already paid.) Looking forward to picking up today’s mail!

I am notoriously known as ‘not a morning person‘.  I do not speak in the morning. NO ONE speaks in the morning.  My husband whispers “Good morning baby” when I shuffle into the living room and then – deadly silence until I break it – which isn’t any time soon I can tell you.

There have been occasions when we have had house guests. For some reason house guests get up early. I have been known to announce, quietly but emphatically “There is no talking in the morning”. My house, my rules.

So this is for all of you like-minded people (Hey Peggy!) – 

 I hate posting date specific stuff, the next day you gotta put something up just to move it all along. So…

Apple and MAC’s are starting to pluck at my nerves – nothing works with my new iPad mini – it doesn’t play well with Google or Chrome or Blogger. I think because it is considered an IOS device, rather than just a plain ole OS device. I guess I’m supposed to be using apps instead of the internet versions of things – Fuck ’em I don’t want to. I’m using my laptop more and my iPad less. Everything works on my laptop and desktop…

Also re: Apple/MAC – their software (is that what its called – things like Page or Numbers etc) is the pits. I hate the Microsoft OS but damn, their software is top notch – who doesn’t love Excel? Thankfully there is Open Office – can be a little buggy on the latest Apple OS but still works like a charm. It’s basically your Microsoft Office programs but, you know, FREE.  HA!

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While I was typing this I had an overwhelming desire for orange juice. We don’t have any, we never have juice in the house, juice is bad for you. What I do have is vending machines in the back entrance of my building. There is a soda machine. I went downstairs and lo and behold they had orange soda – probably not as good as juice but – ORANGE. Got me a bottle ($1.25 – highway robbery!) and gulped it down. 

I think that was the first soda I have had in 2 or 3 years? More? I don’t normally drink soda, diet or otherwise, I don’t like the carbonation. Fizz is not my thing. But boy-oh-boy that soda was good. 

Now – what was I talking about? Just bitchin’ I think. Well, anyway, let’s all just Rock On…

This guy is kinda cute, in a fey sort of way…I always liked the song but for the love of me can never remember who recorded it and this is the first time I’ve ever seen what the guy looked like…