I don’t know why this irks me so, but, have you ever encountered a person who always has to play the one-upmanship game? No matter what you may have done, where you may have been, who you might have met they always did it better and more. They’re the person who always has to tell you how wonderful they are even when no one asked. They don’t even need you to participate, as in, you say “Hi, how are you?” They say “Oh, are those new shoes? They look something like mine, don’t they? Of course mine are Jimmy Choo’s”

Needless to say I have a specific person in mind. I don’t interact with this person anymore because I can’t maintain any level of kindness. I tell myself people act this way because they are insecure; that they need to feel big and the way they do that is by trying to make other people feel small. It is easy enough to avoid this person, it’s all on-line anyway, but to keep in touch with people I care about I pretty much have to read what she posts – not always and not often, but enough of the time. 

Which brings me to stalking following people online. I enjoy looking for people I’ve known, just to see what they are up to. I have no desire to contact them. They might have been a part of my life way back when but they aren’t now and probably for good reasons – BUT – I like to know where they are, and if they are well and happy. I actually get a little annoyed when I can’t find them, or they have really good privacy settings on places like FB and all I can glean is that – well, they’re there, and nothing more. How dare these people thwart my curiosity! (Um, that’s a big LOL, folks…)

Anxiety is my normal and constant state of being. I am always anxious; I am always worrying. Always have been, this is my personality. It’s also probably why I’ve been treated, since childhood, for a wide range of physical illnesses as the result of the anxiety. Of course I’ve never been treated for anxiety itself, other than 3 years of therapy but that’s not the point here. The point is –

Since my hospitalization last September I’ve had a number of medical procedures looming – and they are dependent on the condition of my heart, you know whether I can actually survive the procedures. I’ve been stressing and worrying about the heart monitor the cardiologist wanted me to wear. I asked him if it would be the stick-on kind that I had before and he said no, it would be a Holter monitor. I looked that up and whoops, there went my stress and anxiety into overload. The photos looked just like the heart monitor I had in the hospital – a rather large heavy box on a cord around your neck and 4 electrodes on your chest – uncomfortable, unmanageable and you can’t get water anywhere near it – so no bathing. Noooo!

So I’ve been stressing and anxious about this since my February cardiologist visit – the heart monitor thing was scheduled for near the end of May – I decided to move the date up, just so I could get it over with. And Joy of Joys – yesterday when I reported to the ‘heart station’ it turns out it IS the stick on type of heart monitor, the kind I had before. And I only have to wear it for 2 days. And I can take a shower if I am careful and don’t let the monitor get too wet. When I expressed my surprise to the tech she said “Oh those are the old monitors, they mostly use them on in-patients. Out-patients always get these now” I could have kissed her. If I had only known, I would have saved myself many sleepless nights; much stress and anxiety (which is eating holes in my stomach). Damn, if I had only known. I DID ask the right question, I just didn’t get the right answer.