A little self-serving perhaps?

Something I read this morning – about do you know who you are and what makes you, you. I think it was Rory, and then I came across another reference to being yourself and THEN when I searched for a Thursday song I found this –

Is the Universe trying to tell me something? If so what, because if ever there was a person who is totally themselves, it’s me. It seems I have a very strong sense of self. Despite –

~ A  few years in my early 20’s when I tried on different personalities/personas. I didn’t seem to have any control over it. It was odd, and expensive because each persona needed a different wardrobe. Just odd.

~ My ability to become another person – like the time I was going to a party with my brother and his girlfriend and she and I were discussing who I should be that night – I think I decided on Bette Davis – not that I would present myself as Bette Davis but rather the stereotypical Bette Davis character, like Margo Channing.

I always could ‘become’ an established character very easily, which is why I was great at cold readings in acting class. I had usually seen the play or movie we doing in class so for a first reading I simply replicated that performance. Like, “Butterflies are Free” starred Goldie Hawn. I was given one of her character’s monologues and I just did Goldie Hawn doing Jill Tanner. I could also do a good cold reading of something that was new to me but I was sensational if it was something I had seen performed.

I was talking about ‘sense of self’ with a friend, who like me, had a troubled and traumatic childhood (her way more than me, in my opinion). She still struggles with who she is (I know vague but let’s not get too personal here) and I couldn’t quite understand it and she remarked that I had such a strong sense of self, which was amazing given my background.

I think a lot of it has been acquired over time. One of the perks of getting old, you DO just stop caring what people think of you. Time is running out, you don’t have the luxury of playing mind games with people who don’t matter. Or even people who do matter (for that matter).

I once wrote about ageing and reverting to our essential selves.

I am Grace. Have I changed over and through the years. Oh yes, of course. I think back about who I was a various times, and I laugh. How did people put up with my young self, so positive about what was right and wrong. Oh my! Idealism run amok. So tedious.  So many things I was and then outgrew, or, just got older and wiser.

When the girls used to go out on the town, they always used a different name to fluff off guys. I could never think of another name for myself – I am, was, will always be, Grace.

I am still inventing other personas but they don’t stick. Because they aren’t me. They are aspects of me but I am only comfortable being ALL of who I am.

I know my good points, my bad ones. What I like, and don’t. I know when I’m acting badly, and sometimes I don’t care. When I do, I apologize. I know what I’m good at and I won’t hesitate to share that. I know what I’m not good at, and I just don’t do those things because why waste my time? I don’t like it, I don’t do it. I’m not here to please you.

That the life I am living right now is not the life I would prefer, I know. That it is in service to the well-being of another person, yes. Could I walk away? Yes. I have walked away from people and never looked back but not this time. this time I stick. Not sure why but that’s who I am. I don’t care what other people would think of me, I care what I would think of me. I do the right thing. And yes, sometimes knowing what the right thing is, isn’t hard to figure out.

I honestly believe that I am a person worth knowing, worth having in your life. You disagree? Fine, really fine. No one likes everyone but I also honestly believe the loss is yours. That’s not ego, that just knowing I am a good and worthy person.

I like me. I admire me. I have nothing but respect for me. I earned it. Big time. I am happy to be me!

I am Grace.


Did you know

that there is a difference between dilly-dallying and lollygagging? They have somethings in common with each other as well as with frittering.  They all basically mean wasting time.

It amused me to read that a person who dilly-dallys is annoying because they waste time by fussing around and not getting things done and they aren’t aware of the delays they cause other people.

Did the phrase ‘fussing around’ jump out at you? Me too and it means to ‘fiddle with someone or something’ which is a whole ‘nother idiom.

Defining idioms with other idioms – what fun!

Lollygagging is interesting, this is new information to me, and I’ll just quote rather than try to paraphrase: “Lollygagging takes on a different perspective of time wasting due to its origins and connections to love relationships.  Lollygagging meant wasting time, lazing around with someone else, when there was work to do or duties to perform.  Dilly dallying would indicate a trite waste of time while lolly gagging, a more old fashioned expression, was synonymous with illicit relationships and an inappropriate waste of time.” (SOURCE)

Fritter away, whether time or money, is just wasting it on unimportant or unnecessary things. Can you see what a rabbit hole this could send me down?

And speaking of rabbit holes – what does that mean exactly? According to the Slang Dictionary “Used especially in the phrase going down the rabbit hole or falling down the rabbit hole, a rabbit hole is a metaphor for something that transports someone into a wonderfully (or troublingly) surreal state or situation. On the internet (emphasis added) a rabbit hole frequently refers to an extremely engrossing and time-consuming topic.” (SOURCE)

I never thought of ‘rabbit hole’ as transport into a surreal state or situation. We all know it is a reference to “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll, and that’s what happens to Alice when she falls down a rabbit hole.  But for the rest of us, it is the internet meaning we mean. When we go there. Down the rabbit hole.

WORDS! and phrases – their meaning, connotation, etymology – the rabbit hole to end all rabbit holes.

Busy, busy, busy

What an extraordinarily gorgeous day. Mother Nature’s little gift before, and after, her little weather jokes. This past week was super hot and humid, then 2 days of thunderstorms, the tail end of a hurricane, and starting tomorrow more super hot and humid, with triple digit ‘feels like’ weather for the whole week.  Ah, well, I’ll take this gift of a day and say Thank You.

It’s no wonder I never have time to watch ‘tv’ – right now I am juggling 4 books.

~ Season 2 (why they are calling them ‘seasons’ I have no idea) of Dean Koontz’ ‘Nameless’ series.. These are long short stories, or perhaps novellas, no more than 100 pages, some less. I just started the third book in Season 2. Free from Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited. I like Dean Koontz for the most part and these keep me in engaged.

~ “The First Ladies of Fear (1830-1870)” by Nicole Jones-Dion. A compilation of horror stories from our old friends Mary Shelley, Charlotte Bronte Elizabeth Gaskell et al. This was a free download from prolificworks. com.  It’s a genre which has long interested me and I have several volumes of collections of such stories, including Louisa May Alcott’s ‘Blood and thunder’ stories.

~  “The Celts, A very short Introduction” by Barry Cunliffe. This is from a series of books by the Oxford University Press called Very Short Introductions. I got this from my local library, stumbled over it quite by accident scrolling the ‘recently added’ list. Turns out there are over 200 such books in the series covering such a wide range of subjects that I fear I may get lost going through them. The book is approximately 250 pages, so a quick read.

It’s not that I don’t already have books on the subject in my personal collection but hey, I’m always super interested in reading more. All things Celtic have a passion of mine since I was about 6 years old when I fell in love with Scotland. When I was in high school I tried to teach myself Gaelic.

~ “The Nightwatch” by Sarah Waters. I started to watch the movie on one of the streaming services and it is very darkly shot. I was squinting at my computer screen and it just became so annoying that I looked up the book. I had to put a hold on it at my local library and after 2 weeks I got a notice today that it was now available. I downloaded it, glanced at the first few pages and now I want to get to that book quickly.

I’ll read the library books first since they are time limited, and then back to my free downloads. Or I’ll dip in and out of all 4 books as my interest waxes and wanes. These aren’t the only books I have on my TBR list of course.

🛁 Since this is Saturday, I will be scrubbing the shower with my scrubber-on-a-stick and my handy dandy grout brush. I also have to take the seat off the hall bathroom commode and tighten it  because it is getting wobbly again. And if you think that will be an easy task, you are sadly mistaken. I have a skirted trapway commode and a soft-close toilet seat – do not ask about the complications of dealing with this.

So – a busy afternoon, I’d better get on with it. What’s first? Reading? Cleaning? Going down a research rabbit hole?  Can you guess?

Saturday blah blah blah

It is the most glorious day out there. Temperatures been holding steady at 74 for hours now (it’s now 2pm) with the humidity in the low 50’s. There is a brisk breeze and the sun is shining to beat the band. Conversation with my husband this morning:
               Me: Gorgeous day to be outside
               Husband: So go outside.
               Me: There’s nowhere to go outside.
               Husband: That’s true.
               Me: There’s nowhere to go anywhere here. Nowhere to go and no way to get there.
               Husband: That’s also true.
               Me: It sucks living here.
               Husband: —

Tomorrow will also be a lovely day then Monday starts 4 days of ugly, as in, heat and humidity. Thursday was kinda nice, except for a honking big thunder storm in the afternoon and then a small tornado Thursday night. We lost power for about 4 hours and I didn’t get to sleep until Friday night – so that was 36+ hours with no sleeping.

It seems I can talk about food without having any real interest in it – as in – eating it. My husband passed a comment the other day that we hadn’t had an omelet in a long time. I said “That’s because I don’t want one.” So today I made him an omelet. It was picture perfect, as always. I make picture perfect omelets. I ate it. I suppose it tasted good, don’t care, didn’t want it. Actually I didn’t want any food at all but I know I have to put something in my stomach on a regular basis or I’ll wind up in the hospital again. This whole eating thing is stupid. Which won’t stop me from periodically writing about food, ya know, in that nostalgic way I have.

Later this afternoon I will be cleaning the shower on my hands and knees with a grout brush. I hate grout! I need to live in a grout free environment. I’m too old to be doing this cleaning with a toothbrush crap.

OTOH – Thursday I cleaned out my dresser, threw out a garbage bag full of stuff – socks, old t-shirts and other miscellaneous nonsense I had been saving. I had bought organizer trays and now all my socks and scarves and gloves and earmuffs are all neatly rolled and contained. Opening my dresser drawers give me a warm feeling of happiness and contentment (Marie Kondo ain’t got nothing on me.)

Speaking of Marie Kondo, at the height of the Kondoization of the world I wrote this little ditty:

Curmudgeons & Grouches

Cuddle your cut-offs
Snuggle your slippers
If they don’t bring joy
It’s time to ditch ‘em.

Bypass the donuts
Say no to all bread
Glutens verboten
Inhale kale instead.

Look on the bright side
Exist in the now
Always be grateful,
They’ll all tell you how.


Where are the grouches
Where the curmudgeons
People like me who
Live in high dudgeon.

We like our messes,
Our stomachs are fine.
So shove your good cheer
Where the sun doesn’t shine.

© Grace St. Clair 2019

Enjoy your weekend…