Still grumpy

 Of course some folks would say I’m always grumpy. More perceptive people would say “depressed”.  This depressed/grumpy feeling makes me angry. I don’t particularly want to feel this way, then again, would anyone? It just wears me down, beats me down, sucks any joy I might be able to scrounge up out of me.

It actually stopped raining the other day, it was a beautiful day and I thought – “Go for a walk – outside” So I did. I realized why I stopped going out for a walk (aside from the few years that walking was difficult). So damn boring. There is no where to walk too that is remotely interesting. 

When we first moved here there was exploring the neighborhood. That didn’t take long. When walking became difficult I bought a pet stroller and took BB out with me – mostly so I would have something to hang onto. That was kinda fun. But I have no more cats. 

And the neighborhood has been explored. There is a park sorta nearby but I won’t go there because, despite this being a very low crime area that park has been the scene of more than a few muggings. So I’m very hesitant to go there alone. Why having someone along would prevent a mugging I have no idea – safety in numbers? There is nothing in the park except a stream and walking paths but I suppose it would be a change from the same streets with the same houses. 

And there is also the hills – this is a very hilly area and while walking is easier nowadays inclines tax me. Which is why I still can’t easily walk to the little market, just over a 1/2 mile away – too many uphill streets, both ways. And broken sidewalks – total tripping traps. 

 But I would like to be outside. Except there is no outside to go to or be out in. 

I’ve got some troubling health issues. Last October my A1C and cholesterol numbers were absolutely perfect, brilliant even, better than they have been in years. In December they were crappy but not horrible, and last week they were disgusting. What the hell is going on? OK, last Fall I was eating poorly – too many sweets and take-out.  For the last 4 months I have been eating far more healthier and no sweets at all of any kind. Take-out limited to pizza once a week. While I only eat because I have to I had eliminated the few foods I do enjoy, which are bad for me, and still my numbers went up. I’m now obsessing over this. And you know how I can obsess. 

A part of me says “Screw it, I’m old. Screw the numbers. Big deal, I’ll die sooner than later but at least I’ll be a little bit happy”  I can’t seem to embrace that plan.

So – cheerful little post, eh? But it helps me to write this out. Somewhere I can see it easily (and often) and where I know not many others are seeing it. Don’t know why having it be ‘public’ is more comforting (?) than it being private. Maybe the ‘public’ part feeds into being seen when I feel invisible.


9 thoughts on “Still grumpy

  1. I read your post and then thought about what my comment should be. There was a dove chocolate wrapper sitting here on the desk. I turned it over and it said “Embrace optimism” So that is my comment


  2. The A1c thing is annoying. All these tests and the implicit notion that, being a test, one might flunk it. And the idea that maybe you're not good enough to be alive without the assistance of all this medicine. It makes me grumpy some days. Anyway, you're not alone–and of course that makes absolutely no difference, but for what it's worth . . . I just went for a walk. It was good to get out of the apartment, but it was cold and windy. No guarantees this time of year.


  3. I think it's about being 'seen' and hoping(?) someone sees it and says “Me too!” A way of saying “I'm here!” – things that don't happen when you keep it in your hear or even write it out in a journal tucked away in a drawer.


  4. The tests are important to keep track of our health but numbers don't always tell the whole story, do they? The pill pushing? I back off from most of it – I do take 2 prescriptions – one for high blood pressure/hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and omeprazole for stomach acid which irritates a polyp in my stomach which then bleeds something fierce. As soon as the cholesterol goes up even a teeny bit they push statins and statins are the Devil! As for walking, you live in a city, you can meander the streets, window shop, stop for a coffee – nothing like that around here – just houses, some low rise apartment buildings and streets without sidewalks. Of course a little over a mile away is a bustling little urban area but I can't manage to walk a mile, especially uphill!


  5. Is there no one that might be able to walk with you Grace to the park? I sometimes join Edward and ZigZag [his lovely sausage dog] on walks. he is capable of walking himself, but he also enjoys the human company.


  6. We just moved out of suburbia and I'm really enjoying the urban “scene” which, as you say, is more entertaining for a walk. SO, I'm walking more, and this lowers my A1c and probably my cholesterol. All I have to do is not walk so much that my knee gets sore. It's always a fine line. Oh yeah. Blood pressure. As a diabetic with stents, you just walk into the pharmacy and say, “Gimme one of everything.” I hope you figure a way to keep things smoothed out.


  7. At the end of September my A1C was 5.1 and my total cholesterol was 196. At the end of December my A1C was 5.5 and my total cholesterol was something like 210. So I cut out the candies and pie and other 'bad' stuff I had been eating for the past 3 months and started using my pedal contraption 4 or 5 times a week, doing 6 to 10 miles a session. 4 months of strict eating and exercising and my A1C went up to 5.8 and my total cholesterol to 225! What the hell is that all about???


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