Month: April 2022

 Of course some folks would say I’m always grumpy. More perceptive people would say “depressed”.  This depressed/grumpy feeling makes me angry. I don’t particularly want to feel this way, then again, would anyone? It just wears me down, beats me down, sucks any joy I might be able to scrounge up out of me.

It actually stopped raining the other day, it was a beautiful day and I thought – “Go for a walk – outside” So I did. I realized why I stopped going out for a walk (aside from the few years that walking was difficult). So damn boring. There is no where to walk too that is remotely interesting. 

When we first moved here there was exploring the neighborhood. That didn’t take long. When walking became difficult I bought a pet stroller and took BB out with me – mostly so I would have something to hang onto. That was kinda fun. But I have no more cats. 

And the neighborhood has been explored. There is a park sorta nearby but I won’t go there because, despite this being a very low crime area that park has been the scene of more than a few muggings. So I’m very hesitant to go there alone. Why having someone along would prevent a mugging I have no idea – safety in numbers? There is nothing in the park except a stream and walking paths but I suppose it would be a change from the same streets with the same houses. 

And there is also the hills – this is a very hilly area and while walking is easier nowadays inclines tax me. Which is why I still can’t easily walk to the little market, just over a 1/2 mile away – too many uphill streets, both ways. And broken sidewalks – total tripping traps. 

 But I would like to be outside. Except there is no outside to go to or be out in. 

I’ve got some troubling health issues. Last October my A1C and cholesterol numbers were absolutely perfect, brilliant even, better than they have been in years. In December they were crappy but not horrible, and last week they were disgusting. What the hell is going on? OK, last Fall I was eating poorly – too many sweets and take-out.  For the last 4 months I have been eating far more healthier and no sweets at all of any kind. Take-out limited to pizza once a week. While I only eat because I have to I had eliminated the few foods I do enjoy, which are bad for me, and still my numbers went up. I’m now obsessing over this. And you know how I can obsess. 

A part of me says “Screw it, I’m old. Screw the numbers. Big deal, I’ll die sooner than later but at least I’ll be a little bit happy”  I can’t seem to embrace that plan.

So – cheerful little post, eh? But it helps me to write this out. Somewhere I can see it easily (and often) and where I know not many others are seeing it. Don’t know why having it be ‘public’ is more comforting (?) than it being private. Maybe the ‘public’ part feeds into being seen when I feel invisible.

Eh…