There’s a poem in there and other stuff

If you have food delivered is it called ‘take-out’? I ordered lunch from Paisano’s today. Rizwan is the fellow who usually delivers our food from there. When I opened the door and greeted him he said, in a very concerned voice “How are you? It’s been a while.”  He then waved to my husband, who could be seen through the open door, and said “Hello, Sir.”  I inquired after Rizwan’s well-being,  wished him a safe day and then wondered…

When my husband calls Brick’s for pizza the conversation is short –

Husband: I’d like to order a pizza for delivery…
Brick’s: The usual?
Husband: Yes, I’ll pay cash
Brick’s: *click*

It’s not a matter of predictability (see THIS POST) but to me, for me, it is a matter of staying too long at the fair.

I recently mentioned to someone, somewhere, that I’ve lived in this place too long and that I was so over it. And I am.

I’ve had this yearning lately to go back to the city – any city. Back to concrete and carbon monoxide.  Back to crowds and noise – both of which give me anxiety attacks but also – Energy! I thrive on that energy.

Everywhere you look people go on and on about ‘nature’ which usually means living somewhere that is boonie-like, surrounded by growing things – green growing things, trees, flowers, whatever.

As much as I need to look out my window and see trees (something I learned the hard way when we lived in Filthadelphia) I don’t need to be surrounded by them. I don’t garden. I don’t have plants in my house. I just don’t care about such. Outdoor space? Yes, a patio, a balcony.  Some plants or shrubs in pots – sure. I like birds so maybe a birdfeeder? That’s enough for me. That’s all I want or need.

I need to do magic again but I need energy for that. Energy I don’t have because I’m not around energy. It’s not just that I hardly leave the apartment, it’s that even if I did there’s nothing but silence. And lawns and grass and trees and occasionally someone walking their dog. There’s places with no sidewalks and this isn’t even considered suburbia.

I love silence but mostly especially when contrasted to sound – sounds of the city. Sounds of people living, being, doing.

Silence is the way you process all the noise. Aloneness is the way you process all the people.

I can’t be all just one thing or another. I need both, I need it all. I want it all. I had it all and then I didn’t.

There’s a poem, or two, hiding in all of that but also there is a poem already written that talks about silence –

Morning Silence

The first hour:

The click-snick of the turn of the locks;
The involuntary oof when bending to retrieve the paper.
Click on the coffee pot; soft burble as it drips and drops into the pot.

Plink of pee; gurgle of flush.

Crinkle of newspaper pages turned,
Crinkle of breakfast biscuit wrapper, opened, then crumpled.
Sneezes, coughs.

Husband whispers “Hi”,
I reply with a finger waggle.
Beep of the microwave; crinkle of
husband’s breakfast burrito wrapper.

Snores and snorts as husband’s morning naps commences.

The second hour:

Husband whispers “Hi”
I grunt.
Husband whispers “How are you?”
I grunt again.

Shower sounds; clack of metal belt buckle against the metal clothes tree.

Newspaper rustling.

The third hour:

Thunky thunky of desk chair rolling.
Clickity clack of keyboard as I type this.

The fourth hour?

Not there yet. But more clickity clack.
Silence in here and out there.
All quiet but not peaceful.

© Grace St. Clair
April 30, 2022

10 thoughts on “There’s a poem in there and other stuff

  1. If I understand this correctly you get energy by being around energy which makes you an extrovert. I find cities draining but I’m a confirmed introvert. Are you content enough where you’re living now?

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    1. I have found in my old age than crowds are even more anxiety producing than when I was young. I lived the first 44 years of my life in New York City and looking back I wonder how I ever managed the subway (since I am claustrophobic and it also has gotten worse with old age). I’ve been living in isolation for over 10 years now and it is horrible. I am an ambivert – I like, and need, to be around people and hustle and bustle but I NEED to be alone and silent. I had that for years when I was single and living alone and so I never realized that combination was a major aspect of my well-being. I had busy, people-oriented jobs, an active social life, but would go home, disconnect the phone, and have my down time. Out in the glittery noisy world when I needed to be, home alone in blissful silence. Marriage and moving around a lot cut all that peace to pieces…

      I hate where I am living now and how I’m living and I’m stuck – not a damn thing I can do about it until my husband dies or I win the lottery…

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    1. crowds and noise can make me anxious and jittery but they also energize me – well, people do. some noises I find soothing – anything in the upper registers really does a number on me.

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  2. Boonie like did make me giggle 🙂

    I am currently in the throng of the energy and l know what you mean, but equally when l am home l love the bubble tranquility – although my windows may as well be made of cellophane for all the noise they stop .. or not.

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    1. There is a specific type of energy I get from being around people or having people be around me – I miss that the most. And yes, exactly that – out and about energy, home tranquility – Perfection.

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        1. Mmmm – I don’t actually like walking in a crowd, I will step out of, away from a crowd, unless the ‘crowd’ is fluid and in motion and sometimes even then, I will leave public spaces if I feel crowded and yes, wait for the next train/bus/elevator. (social distancing was not a problem for me LOL). There is a particular type of energy I need, and get from being out and about amongst people – I haven’t specified here it on purpose.

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