What I’ve Learned

To put it simply – Don’t sweat the small stuff. To put it more elegantly – Grant others and myself, Grace.

Should you not be religiously inclined it also means mercy and pardon. It also means “disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency”.  I like this explanation best “To me, grace is both a noun and a verb—a feeling and an action. It can be interchanged with giving someone: a chance, time, the ability to make mistakes without punishment, and forgiveness.”  (Source)

This may be the hardest part of extending Grace –  “Showing grace to others is about showing kindness even when they don’t deserve it.” (9 Ways to extend Grace to Others.)

Giving someone Grace is to extend unconditional forgiveness.

I have written about forgiveness, , a concept I don’t quite understand. I understand what it is to forgive a monetary debt – the debt is wiped out – the person owes nothing. To forgive a hurt – well, that is something else. Someone acted in a certain negative way towards you, you were harmed.  That person is responsible for their actions, you have no control over another’s actions therefore you cannot forgive their actions or the results thereof. The only person you can forgive is yourself for your actions.

While my husband was in the hospital I blew my top at several people. I was angry at the lies I was told, the ineptitude of the doctors and I more than once made a scene the way only an overtired, worried Italian girl from the Bronx can.

After several days at the nursing home I came to being able to extend Grace. I did it without forethought. It just came over me and became how I was. Perhaps it was The Universe extending Grace to me.

That’s where ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ comes in. I couldn’t get angry over what I could not control. I saw – really saw – how hard people were working, doing much with little. I felt such warmth towards these people. It calmed me. I could not be angry or upset with them.

This may sound strange to you who know me as a grumpy old lady, hot-tempered, cynical, an angry old lady (or even the angry young woman I was). I shall continue to get ‘hot under the collar’ about the state of the world and its injustices and stupidity but I don’t think I will extend that towards the people and things that happen in MY life every day. Nor do I think I will be beating myself up for being a flawed human being.  All I can ask of myself and others is to try and do better.

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The Universe at work  – Yesterday I saw in my stats that someone had been scrolling around my blog and one of the posts they read was from 2019 when I wrote about taking care of husband after he had fractured his leg – ‘8 days after surgery, 6th day at home – What I have learned”– reading it reminded me that my current situation is not my first rodeo and I will cope, I will survive and it will get better. The Universe sending me comfort and encouragement. Thank you, I needed that.

There is ego and then there is ego…

After 20 days of restless nights of 2 to 5 hours of sleep, barely eating and sometimes going 24 hours or more without food, taking care of my husband in the hospital and then in the rehab hospital (they should have paid ME for doing the work of the CNA’s and aides), extreme worry, anxiety and tears (oh so many tears) and pushing for information and care for my husband, this is what I look like –

We escaped the rehab SNF aka nursing home on Friday (today is Saturday), been home for about 24 hours and my husband is doing better already. Me, oh maybe a little bit.

Last night we went to bed at 11pm and got up this morning at 8am. I only got up twice during the night to help him use the urinal. We facetimed with our daughter last night and I said I looked like shit-on-a-stick and she said “No, you look fine.”  She is a kind lady.

I feel as bad as I look but – we are home! So I can take a break and rest in comfort when I need to. Obviously since my husband can’t navigate on his own, I have to help him to move from bed to chair to bathroom and back. If he needs or wants anything I have to get it – I should have one of those step measuring thingies – I’m willing to bet over the last 20 days I’ve more than met the daily 10,000 steps goal.

I have nothing to prove so I go slowly, I rest as often as I need to, the dishes can wait until I have the energy. I do one thing at a time instead of my usual multi-tasking. I will not attend to paperwork until my brain is working again LOL

This morning the toilet adapter was delivered, I put that together and then discovered my husband would not be able to maneuver his walker into the bathroom, so I took the door off the bathroom and put it in the storage unit. Luckily our storage unit is only across the hall from our apartment.

I’m spending a small fortune on Amazon getting things to make him more comfortable and possibly easier for me. We already had a walker, shower chair and urinals from when he fractured his leg 4 years ago. I’m used to this but I’m 4 years older.

Plus – I now have to prepare 3 meals  a day – this is the most onerous of all the things I have to do. Empty his urinal – no problem. Wipe his butt – no problem. Bathe him, help him dress, fetch and serve – No Problem. Fix 3 meals a day – Big Problem! LOL

I’ve got more to tell you but it can wait for later.

Another Audio Post

Ok, the quality sucks and there is a lot of sniffling because I was crying a little and I was also laughing…And it is also a little self-serving but you know what I don’t care – it runs long – like 10 minutes, so if you really want to listen to it, open it, play it and then open another tab and check your email or something while you listen…

Things are tough right now

My husband suffered a seizure early around 12:30am Sunday morning (late Saturday night – however you might want to place the time). We spent 13 hours in the ER while they tried to find a bed. He got a bed around 3pm Sunday afternoon. He is severely debilitated. They still haven’t been able to do an MRI to see what brain damage there might be or what caused the seizure.  He is currently not functioning mentally at any kind of reasonable level.

I was at the hospital from 1am Sunday until 8pm Sunday, close to 48 hours without sleep, (we had just gone to bed Saturday night when the seizure happened),  went over 24 hours without food, I was back at the hospital Monday at 9am stayed until 7. It’s 8:30pm now on Monday night.

Just like last night I am so tired I am actually energized. But obviously I am spending all day at the hospital aggravating the staff and taking care of my husband.

So don’t look for me on the interwebz. I’ll leave comments open but I probably won’t be responding. I don’t have the bandwidth for it.