Idle Thoughts

4:20am – I’ve been awake since 1:30a and up and about since 2:30-ish. Took care of some paperwork, had breakfast and a couple of cups of coffee. I would kill for a cigarette but we’ve quit again; I don’t really see the point, not at our age – like I told my doctor recently, “I’m 76 and I wasn’t planning on living forever.”

My entire left side is crap, common wisdom would suggest it should be my right side since I am right-handed and therefore my right side is considered my dominant side. But Nooo – not me. Everything that goes wrong in/on my body does so on my left side.  My left shoulder hurts, my left arm and elbow and wrist joint hurt, my left hip and my lower back, on the left side hurts…

I’m back sharing a bed and bedroom with my husband and the expensive mattress we bought 2 years ago is one of the causes of my aches – the mattress suits him and his comfort – it is hard as a block of concrete. I prefer a hybrid medium firm with the top layer being gel foam – Ahh, such a nice comfy mattress. Husband prefers a block of concrete covered with something just a tiny bit soft.

You know what’s the interesting thing – about a year and a half ago I began sleeping in my ‘office’ which also functioned as a guest room and had a single bed in it.  Mostly because of my husband’s snoring and other assorted sleep noises – I finally decided the only chance I had of getting a decent night’s sleep was to sleep in another room – with the door closed. They can hear my husband snore and snort in Cleveland!  Plus the new mattress was killing me.

Here’s the interesting thing – the night my husband had his seizure I had decided to sleep in the the master bedroom with him. Why? He hadn’t been feeling well and something just nagged at me so THAT night I decided,just for that night, to stay close.  If I hadn’t made that decision I would have been sleeping in another room with the door closed, as I usually did,  and never heard him; never known he had a seizure; never even checked on him till hours later when I got up for the day.

If I hadn’t changed my sleeping habits that one night I wonder what my situation would be today? That will always nag at me just a teeny tiny bit – I could be free right now – maybe.

Despite my crazy sleep schedule I am finally sleeping a bit more – I think I have no choice I’ve been falling asleep literally standing up – so I’m feeling a bit more rested. I’m still  brain dead by mid-afternoon but everyday I seem to have a bit more energy. Yes, I still walk into rooms intent on doing something and then can’t remember what – And no that is NOT a usual thing for me – a lot of me is falling apart but my brain is still in quite good shape. Physical fatigue is getting under control but mental fatigue is still with me. I’m not sure how one alleviates mental fatigue.

It’s now 5:15am and I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open – might be time for a little nap as soon as I get my husband set up in his recliner. He got up about 4:30am – he’s had his meds and his breakfast. He can safely navigate around the apartment now, which has taken a lot of the pressure off me but this morning he’s seems a bit more wobbly, I might just wait until he gets all his stuff moved across the room. Being a man, he thinks he can safely maneuver a trip across the room using a cane, carrying a cup of coffee and a book with only one good hand. Experience has shown that is not going to happen.

I should have gone back to bad when I had the chance, my eyes may be at half staff but my brain is in overdrive…I know that if I go back to bed now I will just flip and flop and by the afternoon I will be stumbling over my own feet and will probably wind up taking a nap, whether I want to or not,  which means when it’s time to go to bed for the night I won’t be sleepy and this crazy sleep cycle will just keep rolling on…

15 thoughts on “Idle Thoughts

      1. Yes, definitely. I also find that if I don’t look at the alarm clock I have an easier time falling back asleep. If I look at the time then I stress over how much longer it is before the alarm goes off.

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        1. I know THAT feeling – “Oh look – if I go back to sleep right now I can get another two hours”…”Ok, if I can fall asleep right now then I can get another hour and a half..” and so on until the alarm rings.


  1. Lack of sleep is an issue I understand all too well. I woke up at 2:22 this morning and got out of bed at 4 to get ready since I went to Portland today with friends. I was in charge of driving since we have the biggest car and now at 5:40pm I feel like a zombie. I’ll be headed to bed by 7 and hope I get more than 6 hours of sleep.

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  2. Sending you love. I’m lost for more words than that right now. But wanted you to know I was thinking of you and stopped by to check in.

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  3. Sleep for some can be a difficult accomplishment to achieve – Suze has suffered for years. I am thankful at present that l can sleep, my right side is caning me most days – like your left is, all the way from my shoulder down to my ankle is killing me daily.

    I shouldn’t be surprised my shoulder broke in 2018, your probably remember and everything since then has broken or worn away at the muscles. Hey ho it’s life.

    But at least l can sleep.

    I have emailed you your questions – no rush, but they are there 🙂

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    1. “sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care…” Shakespeare was indeed a genius. (I read through the questions and if I answer any of them honestly they would be dark, snarky and cynical because I am dark, snarky and cynical. So, as I first thought I’m not the sort of person you would care to feature.)

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