It is 2 pm. We finished lunch at 1 and then I sat and went through my email – so many newspaper articles and book reviews and I want to read them all. I scan through some, read others in their entirety but not truly absorbing their content. There are still more left unopened.

There is the book I am reading while I eat lunch. I skipped the middle, the beginning was of interest, the last third even more so, I have about 100 pages left to read. I want to, I do.

Mornings are so busy – especially the mornings that include a shower for my husband. I grab a half hour here or there to do some of MY stuff – read some of those articles, pay a bill, research a new doctor. Do some odd housekeeping chores, laundry, wash dishes, cook lunch.

Then there is this afternoon time. I can barely keep my eyes open – so tired. Lately I have been lying down after lunch, during this time that I am now writing instead of resting, and I’ll drift off for 40 winks because my brain knows that I have to be up at 3:15 to make my husband his coffee and snack to have at 3:30 when he watches Jeopardy re-runs.

6 o’clock comes quickly. Evening meds and other odds and ends – perhaps wash all the dishes – from lunch and afternoon snack, I often save them all up and just do it all in one fell swoop. Oh, and my husband’s physical therapy exercises, have to do those as well.

Where does the time go?

7pm – a light supper and then sitting like a lump, watching television I have no interest in, wasting precious time doing nothing when I could be doing something – my husband wants company – he sits all day in his recliner – unable to do anything on his own. While I flit around the apartment doing this and that – fetching for him – trying to steal a moment here and there for me – but there is no ME.

And here I sit writing when I could be catching a much needed nap, because I need to, write this, at this moment. Write this. Write other thoughts that are swirling through my mind.

But I must stop now. I need to lie down – just for a bit. Please.

There was no shower song this morning but there was a laundry song – Enya – Only Time.

6 thoughts on “Musings

  1. I’ve always said the people who most need care are the caregivers. It’s a never ending job with no time allotted for yourself. Hope you manage to find a few quiet moments.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know if it’s “quiet” time as much as “me” time – when I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want with no responsibilities. Or even just sleep, which would be quiet time.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I would like some responsibility free time, and yes, rest I need rest. My brain needs rest as much as my body needs rest. I have to get at least twice during the night to empty my husband’s urinal and check on him. I am back to sleeping in another room so when I do sleep it is away from my husband’s snoring (just barely).

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Taking the time to get some thoughts down on paper or screen is a good idea. If you don’t then they tend to clutter your mind and float around in your brain when you try to lay down and rest.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As much as I hate typing it seems more cathartic to write here than in a notebook. I feel invisible most of the time. As Rivergirl said, caretakers need care as well and mostly they don’t get it. There is this grey area of care where the person needing care don’t need it in specific chunks of time but rather on-going throughout the day in small ways.


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