Category: Life

The lovely and the magical – at least to me.

Published on by Grace3 Comments

The Lovely ~

A movie called “Living” starring Bill Nighy. It’s on Netflix. It was released in 2022. The story takes place in 1953 and it looks like it was filmed in 1953.  Anything with Bill Nighy in it is most definitely worth your time,  truer than ever for this film. I won’t rehash the plot, it is a simple story. The movie is slow and it will creep up on you slowly, gathering you in, and by the end you will just sit, as the credits roll, and get misty eyed and think – “That was just so lovely”

The Magical ~

I was in the lobby of my building, waiting at the front desk to pick up my packages when a man came in, carrying a pet carrier, empty, a cat clinging to his shoulder. I naturally ooh’d and ahh’d over the cat, he  was young and so beautiful. I walked over to the man, as he waited for the elevator, and exclaimed “How beautiful, Is he a Burmese?” The man answered “Yes, a chocolate Burmese”.  He then turned so I could be face to face with the cat, whose head was resting on the man’s shoulder.

I moved closer to the cat and he just stared into my eyes and then, the cat stretched his head forward and touched his nose to my nose! The cat continued to stare into my eyes as the man stepped into the elevator and the door closed.

A cat I had never met before touched his nose to my nose! Cat people will know how extraordinarily wonderful and magical that is.

It truly is the small things in life that bring meaning and joy.

When you live

Published on by Grace6 Comments

inside your head, with no one to talk to but imagined people, it’s always a jumble of things outrageous and mundane.

A rehash of personal history; questions about why you are who you are – where did all these opinions, beliefs, judgements, preferences come from? Why do you think how you think, and reason?

The telling, to these imagined and imaginary people, of all the stories, both funny and sad, of your life.

The imagining of other ways to live, the if only’s, the when this happens then that.

The crazy experiences I invent, even other lives I invent, that I live in. And yet I say I have no imagination – Ha! – if you only knew.

Today my mind is awhirl with books I’ve read – that remind me of other books and movies and experiences and the question becomes – how in heaven’s name do we justify eating other sentient beings. The answer is – that is the way of nature – the food chain. But still…

And the thought that so many people are drawn to the sea, to bodies of water, like moths to the light – because that is where we came from? It is our happy place (as Sharla calls it). And then there is me – I fear the water. Nothing petrifies more than water – ponds, rivers, lakes, the ocean, even a bathtub. I don’t know why.

And yet nothing mesmerizes me more than the ocean; nothing draws me more. Living by the ocean has been my deepest, strongest, most unrelenting desire – I picture my home, on a cliff, overlooking the sea. “I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and sky…” (opening line from John Masefield’s poem Sea-Fever).

This morning I sat with my coffee and thought “Today is not a good day” and thought “No particular reason why this is not a good day, it just is. And I want to go – end it all. It’s time.”

It’s almost Noon and I have to start lunch and I don’t quite feel that way anymore. The day hasn’t gotten any better, really, but I’m not feeling that defeated.

Instead I am writing this.

Finished!

Published on by Grace6 Comments

Yesterday I finally finished the book “Hello Beautiful” (which I wrote about in the previous post). As I said to Sharla, it is a tearjerker, especially towards the end, and yes, it jerked some tears from me.  Well, almost – there was just a hint of mist in my eyes.

I suppose the overall theme is love – of friends and family. Connections. With a large side order of living with clinical depression.

Three-quarters of the way through the book I thought “Wow, wouldn’t it be great to have to have friends and family and connections like that” As I sat with that thought for a few moments, I thought “No, not for me.”

I’m the friend who will always be there for you, help whenever and however you need me to. Just ask. And if I sense you might need me but won’t ask, then I’ll ask YOU. I’ll show up and ask. And I’ll go away if that’s what you want. I will not live in your back pocket. I’ll keep in touch and keep track of you but I won’t hover. I’ll be easy to forget about until…

The connections and relationships in this story were overwhelming – at least for me they would be. Thinking about them makes me shudder.

I didn’t grow up with any close relationships and therefore never established any close relationships with anyone at anytime. I never had a “best friend”, oh hell, growing up I had no friends. Come to think of it, aside from my therapist and maybe one other person, I never confided in anyone about anything. I never depended on anyone for anything. Learned behavior or just who I am?

I’ve been accused of being cold-hearted because I seem to have the ability to just walk away from people and relationships. As much as I, all too often, had let people treat me badly there were times when I not just closed a door or burned a bridge but bricked up the door and started a conflagration. As much I avoided confrontation, when my limit was reached, it was reached and I was done.

It wasn’t until I was in my late 30’s that I learned to say NO on a regular basis. Hoo-boy were there a lot of shocked people.

When I think about that I also think about being told that my vocabulary, until I was 3 or so,consisted of 4 words – Ma, Pa, John and NO.  Makes me laugh. According to family lore the first full sentence I spoke was “NO, I won’t. Make John do it” And then I stomped out of the room and slammed the door behind me. I was like 2.5 – 3.

I guess I had more confidence and sense of myself when I was a toddler than when I was an adult. Where did it all go? And why did it take me so long to get it back.

If you want a nice book to read, with nice people and a warm and fuzzy feel, go ahead try Hello Beautiful. Ann Napolitano uses language beautifully, it’s a well written book and quite frankly there aren’t that many of them around these days. It’s even well edited. It won’t knock your socks off but when you finish you will go Awww.

I know I said

Published on by Grace11 Comments

that I would try to post something, anything, everyday and then it all got away from me because…

Two days ago I was going to post about a book I was reading that I was going to complain about and then – took about 30 pages or so and I was hooked.

Every minute I can grab away from my duties and obligations I’m reading.  It kills me to piss away almost 3 hours every night watching television with my husband when I could be doing something more constructive – like read my book.

The format is not one I care for – each chapter covers the same events basically but from a different character’s point of view – Hate that. You have to keep track of a time frame and what the character “reported” in their previous chapter. Also too, the book is something like 510 pages and you know I am not fond of, and generally avoid, books over 350 pages.

And yet here I am – totally immersed and engaged.

The book is “Hello Beautiful” by Ann Napolitano.

Somewhere in the past I spoke favorably about her previous book “Dear Edward” and based on that book I took this one out from the library. I don’t know what it is about her books that captivate me – I start out not being a fan and 30 or so pages in, maybe more, I am . To say it is the writing is facile because how can you describe good writing? And yet…the flow of words and story brings you in and keeps you there.

Gotta go – clothes need to go from washer to dryer and then I get to read for a few minutes…