Written sometime in 2012 or 2013
On a day when the pain
is too much
And the promise of sun and
Spring is broken
When the chill in the air
is the chill in your brain
And you find yourself wearing
the dress with the stain....
(unfinished and given the dates most decidedly will stay that way.)
totally CRAP poetry –
I’ve been sad, a bit depressed
It’s a chore to just get dressed.
Nights I battle with the sheets
Days I struggle just to eat.
I really want to laugh and dance
I ponder if I’ve missed my chance
To live my life the way I choose
Why not now? What’s there to lose?
~ unfinished and likely to stay that way ~
I’ve been sitting on these thoughts for a few days and still don’t know quite what my point is.
Early in the week I finished reading a book called “Nightbitch”. I started it about 2 weeks ago, read perhaps 30 pages and put it aside. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it and thought “This kind of reminds me of “The Yellow Wallpaper”. When I researched reviews I was validated in that reaction as at least one reviewer had the same thought.
Would it surprise you to know that I did not skip to the end of the book to get some idea of where it was going? It wouldn’t have made any difference if I had, this is one very odd book. I skimmed those first 30 or so pages because none of it was making any sense to me, others might relate, I couldn’t and can’t.
Still, I went back to the book, picking up where I left off and then became engaged. It is very well written. (I’m not sure how to define ‘very well written’ but I enjoyed the reading of the book – the words flowed, everything held together.) Before the book is due back at the library I have to read more closely those pages I skimmed.
I think there are many people who can and will relate to the story, I am not one of them because I am not/have never been, a mother. This book is very much for women who are mothers. I have so little understanding of motherhood – being pregnant, giving birth, raising a child while simultaneously having a job, being a wife, being a housekeeper – all the many roles a woman with children plays.
And I think it is only a certain type of woman who would relate to this book. But I may be wrong there, perhaps all women with children can. Never having been that woman, I can’t be sure.
I have never wanted to be married or a parent. I knew early on that marriage and family was not for me. It’s interesting to look back and note that other people saw the same thing in me that I did. And said so. I don’t regret never having had children but I do regret ever having married. I am not marriage material.
I can’t decide whether this book has something important to say, or whether it is just odd and more than somewhat, oh, let’s say shocking. Click the reviews link, read them and decide for yourself whether you would wanted to venture there. I became comfortable with the premise but I think many would not be.
This book just got me thinking about who I am not, and never was. And never wanted to be. And there is no such thing as a ‘natural’ woman. And there are no shoulds about who a person is. And it makes me thank my lucky stars that so many of society’s shoulds never touched me, or that I never let them color my view of who I was/am/hoped to be. I can’t say I escaped all of those shoulds, I didn’t. I do regret that I acquiesced to them.
I am not unusual or unique in who I am, or how I’ve lived my life, or how I’ve always viewed myself. Is it totally egocentric or self-involved to say I’m so very glad that I am me. And that I wish I had had the guts to be even more me?
I live inside my head – all my conversations are internal – mostly talking to myself but I occasionally have a mental conversation with some give and take – with someone who is a real person or an alter ego. Obviously I make up/create both sides of the conversation.
My mental conversations/musings often turn into blog posts. And like most of my posts I would rather be tawkin’ than typing. I really require privacy to record my thoughts and I don’t have any – maybe the hour or so my husband naps in the afternoon…
Anyway – I was reading a newspaper article on my ipad, and an ad for a coat-like suit jacket or a suit jacket-like coat appeared. I couldn’t tell if it was meant for a male or female but I really liked it.
The thought occurred to me that young people nowadays are lucky – they can be whoever they want to be; can dress however they want to dress. That wasn’t so easy when I was young. There were dress codes for school. Girls couldn’t wear pants of any kind, even in high school (that would be, for me, 1960-1964). In 1969 there was a bruh-ha-ha about women in pantsuits being banned from NYC restaurants. But by 1969 mini-skirts were the thing and I wore the miniest minis. Then came hot pants and I wore those to work too.
Thing is, I really liked wearing mens clothes. For the style and for the fabrics and for the much better workmanship. Even in cheap clothing the quality of mens clothes was better than in womens clothes. I had 3-piece ‘pants’ suits, made for women, which I wore with stiletto heels. When a boy friend was cleaning out his closet and I grabbed a couple of suits and had them tailored to fit me.
I liked mixing tailored mens clothes with girly accessories. Not the perfect example but one outfit I loved was a black turtleneck bodysuit (oh, how I loved bodysuits), skin tight black pants, red suspenders (just for the color pop) and over-the-knee black high-heeled boots. Yup, that was office wear. I was probably in my late 30’s and yes, I was rail thin at the time (except for the boobs – no matter how thin I was, the boobs were always visual focal point.)
Even my women’s suits – skirt and jacket – were severely tailored, worn with a silk t-shirt and fishnet stockings and – stilettos. Man, I loved my 3 and 4 inch heels. And fancy stockings.
As always(?), as usual – no point to this, just telling stories.
Today is Thursday – grocery shopping day. We called for an Uber and got a TESLA! (Model Y if any of you want to know.) And it had a GLASS ROOF! Tinted unfortunately but, you know – Tesla. Also, unfortunately it is was quite a cloudy morning BUT –
I lay down in the back seat and just feasted my eyes on the trees, the sky and the utility poles and lines. I love this! The utility wires and poles are fascinating when seen from that angle. They seem to move, cross over each other, it gives me such delight to see them. And the trees seen from that angle – if you haven’t experienced it, I can’t explain it – but it gives me such joy and delight.
I swear, before I die, I will order up a honking big car with a glass roof and have the driver just drive around aimlessly for a couple of hours. It would have to be a bright sunshiny day in the early Spring or early Fall. Just the thought of it makes me giggle and wiggle.
sweet potatoes for lunch along with British bangers. Yes, I know the brits probably eat their bangers with white potatoes but then – No, just no.
I’m nuking the sweet potatoes, yes, roasted would probably be better but I’m lazy (and I hate to cook). Then I will add the teeny-tiniest bit of butter, to make them easy to mash, tho really they don’t need it. Add a couple of grinds of pepper, cinnamon and nutmeg and you have dessert for a main course. You will note there is no salt.
When I dish them up I will add butter to my husband’s portion because he is a philistine. None on mine thank you.
I hate white potatoes in any form. There is no way in 47 hells that you can make them taste like anything edible or interesting unless you add all sorts of unhealthy crap to them – like great gooey gobs of salt, or butter if you mash them. Even garlic is no help. So -No, just no. (Plus the texture of mashed white potatoes makes me gag much like oatmeal – which is also disgusting.)
My husband has learned to love sweet potatoes (or yams – whatever) because – lots of butter for him plus cinnamon and nutmeg? He’s one happy camper because it tastes like dessert.
Over and out for now.
~ It’s Sunday and therefore a day I can sleep/stay in bed for as long as I like but it seems my 4-year old granddaughter gets up early and decided to send Nonna emojis. I’m not that adept at texting and being still mostly asleep I sent some weird half-ass replies but did finally manage to text a dragon with the message “Tell Missy I am a dragon in the morning” and Da Mama texted back that Thira thought that was hilarious – that Nonna was a dragon. I love my granddaughters to pieces – greatest regret of my life not being able to be a part of their lives. Moving to Vermont is just not an option.
~ I’ve become much to mellow in my old age, not a lot bothers me other than my husband being an asshole when it comes to managing his disabilities. I seem to have run out of words and would rather use other people’s words, via songs, to communicate. Seems to me anything worth saying has already been said and we are all just beating that poor dead horse.
There is some quote somewhere that Shakespeare covered every topic there is and we are all just repeating what he said. The human condition really has not changed since homo sapiens came down from the trees. Hash and re-hash – power over others and greed pretty much sums up who homo sapiens are, what they value. Cynical much, Grace? No, just a realist. For years (and years) I have said breed greed out of humans and all the world’s problems would be solved. Or, as my mother used to say – “Hurray for me, the hell with you”. She would have known, it was kinda her attitude towards life.
~ I wonder how they do it – weather forecasters. Our local weatherman, Doug, is always right on the money. He says “The rain will start around 2pm” and sure-as-shootin’ come 2pm and the rains come. He says “The rain will taper off and be gone by 4pm” and dang, you can set your watch by it. Gotta love ole Doug. (Plus he is very good looking.)
~ Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I will be posting music (what else?) They say music is the way to reach those with Alzheimer’s/dementia. I certainly have not reached that stage of devolvement but music is more in my head than words – well, my words. Other people’s words plus music – that’s what’s in my head.
A million years ago, when I was young, I was at Jane Wells’ house and she was practicing piano. I fell in love in love with the piece she was playing – a Chopin polonaise? I can’t remember but one of these days I will troll through youtube and perhaps find that bit of music. Will today be that day? I have nothing on my agenda for today except making lunch.
~ Whenever I think of Chopin, the composer, I think of Kate Chopin, the writer. The only thing they have in common is their last name and, I suppose it is unusual enough of a name for that association to stick in my mind. Perhaps after I finish my current book I’ll go back and re-read some Kate as I listen to some Frederic. That’s a plan.
~ And the word memories just flashed across my mind and a song (of course!) only the singer I’m hearing is Barbra Streisand – I’m not a fan, I need to get her voice out of my right quick. So I’ll just wrap this up and go listen to Linda Ronstadt or Edith Piaf or, hey, Charles Aznavour – sing to me in French and I turn into a puddle of mush.
Mushing on now, au revoir!
Subject to Change Without Notice 