It is 2 pm. We finished lunch at 1 and then I sat and went through my email – so many newspaper articles and book reviews and I want to read them all. I scan through some, read others in their entirety but not truly absorbing their content. There are still more left unopened.

There is the book I am reading while I eat lunch. I skipped the middle, the beginning was of interest, the last third even more so, I have about 100 pages left to read. I want to, I do.

Mornings are so busy – especially the mornings that include a shower for my husband. I grab a half hour here or there to do some of MY stuff – read some of those articles, pay a bill, research a new doctor. Do some odd housekeeping chores, laundry, wash dishes, cook lunch.

Then there is this afternoon time. I can barely keep my eyes open – so tired. Lately I have been lying down after lunch, during this time that I am now writing instead of resting, and I’ll drift off for 40 winks because my brain knows that I have to be up at 3:15 to make my husband his coffee and snack to have at 3:30 when he watches Jeopardy re-runs.

6 o’clock comes quickly. Evening meds and other odds and ends – perhaps wash all the dishes – from lunch and afternoon snack, I often save them all up and just do it all in one fell swoop. Oh, and my husband’s physical therapy exercises, have to do those as well.

Where does the time go?

7pm – a light supper and then sitting like a lump, watching television I have no interest in, wasting precious time doing nothing when I could be doing something – my husband wants company – he sits all day in his recliner – unable to do anything on his own. While I flit around the apartment doing this and that – fetching for him – trying to steal a moment here and there for me – but there is no ME.

And here I sit writing when I could be catching a much needed nap, because I need to, write this, at this moment. Write this. Write other thoughts that are swirling through my mind.

But I must stop now. I need to lie down – just for a bit. Please.

There was no shower song this morning but there was a laundry song – Enya – Only Time.


I don’t follow sports – anymore. I did at one time, from toddler to middle age. After I moved out of NYC I stopped following sports because I had no one to share them with. My husband was never much of a sports fan despite coaching his son’s basketball team and playing volleyball and the occasional inter-agency softball game.

Four years ago, when my husband fractured his left hip and was confined to his recliner, he started watching sports, most often with the sound off. When asked which teams were playing he’d say “I don’t know”. He was just watching to have something to distract him.

Football was the first sport he became a watcher of, then basketball for a while but his interest tapered off and he took up with soccer. He became a devoted soccer fan. Hockey never really engaged him despite his family being rabid Bruins fans (ask me about my wedding reception.)

Since fracturing his right hip several weeks ago he finds himself growing fond of golf. Golf! (Funny golf story – years ago, after my father died, I would visit my mother every Sunday like a dutiful daughter. She was always watching golf. When I asked her why, she said “I like to watch them wiggle their asses”.)

The other day my husband was watching basketball. I asked him why and he said “There’s no golf on”. He’s not a huge basketball fan. The thing is, it IS baseball season, the one sport that simply doesn’t interest him. So – no hockey, no baseball, limited basketball watching.

One would think that now that I have someone who is interested – somewhat – in sports I would start watching again, but no. I’ve been away from it for so long I have no idea who is who or which teams are doing what. The local teams here hold no interest simply because they are the local teams and I have no emotional attachment to this part of the world even tho I have chosen to live here.

Ah, but I was once a rabid sports fan – the New York Giants (football), Yankees, Rangers, Knicks and the Boston Celtics. The Jets never interested me and back in the 80’s I went to more Mets games than anyone should have – my company had field box seats, I lived near Shea Stadium, and no one ever wanted the tickets.

I was one of those people who gets really into it, really excited, really loud and enthusiastic. I yell, scream, holler and even cry. You don’t want to be next to me when something exciting happens – you WILL be black and blue.

Some sports watching memories that are forever embedded in my brain: 1980 Winter Olympics – Miracle on Ice. I was watching it alone and hoo-boy when the US beat Russia I stomped, yelled, screamed and cried. What a great game. What a great win.

Or that move that Earl “The Pearl” Monroe made. Wilt Chamberlain jumped to tap the ball into the net and Earl scooted between his legs, came up in front of Wilt, stole the ball and into the net. OMG – You had to see it. I laughed and laughed. It was great. You have to know that Earl Monroe was 6’3″ and Wilt Chamberlain was 7’1″.

I crowed in delight every time L.T. Taylor sacked the quarterback. It was his thing. I especially liked when that snotty little John Elway got sacked – never liked him. I had a huge crush on Dave DeBusschere, and stopped watching the Rangers when they traded Eddie Giacomin. It was all very personal.

Horse racing – while I deplore the sport and how the horses are treated – it is a thing of beauty to watch a horse move. I’ve been a fan since I was a little kid and we would sneak into Belmont Race Track. I love the ponies! You want to see someone almost have a heart attack? Be with me when I’m watching a horse race.

There was a famous horse race – a mare and a stallion – head to to head. The mare was the most magnificent creature you have ever seen – she was so far in front it was not even a competition and then the unthinkable happened – her front leg snapped, she went down. Out came the trainers, the vets, then a makeshift tent was placed over her and they euthanized right on the track. Oh my word how I cried. (Just writing that I got a little emotional. It was more than a horse race it was a battle of the sexes. It was political.)

I could go on and on but I’ll leave you with this bit of sports info – I was the only girl in the neighborhood who collected baseball cards.

My day from 5:30am to Noon

~ Get up at 5:30am to go to the bathroom and empty husband’s urinal- for the 3rd or 4th time during the night. Husband sits up says “Are we up?” I say I guess so.

~ Walk to kitchen, turning on all the lights as I go along, switch on the coffee pot (prepared the night before).

~ Back to the bedroom, put my husband’s safety belt on, get his walker, haul him up, walk him to the dining room, get him in a chair.

~ Walk back to rear bathroom, do my teeth. Walk back to kitchen and get my husband’s tooth brushing/denture stuff, supervise the whole tooth brushing thing. Wash up all that paraphernalia.

~ Pour out two cups of coffee. Get the newspaper. Finally sit down, read paper with coffee.

~ Get husband’s morning meds.

~ Nuke two breakfast sandwiches.

~ Have second cup of coffee, clear out email on iPad.

~ Move husband to recliner. He shaves his face while

~ I take my shower and dress. Back to living room.

~ Husband needs bathroom. Get him there. (He uses the hall bathroom) While he’s doing his thing, I gather stuff for his morning sponge bath. Today will be a ‘spa’ day.

~ Get him back to living room & recliner. Clean the the bathroom.

~ Move him again to the dining table so he can sit in a straight back chair.

~ Cut his hair, give him a mini-facial and a sponge bath. Put him in clean clothes and back to the recliner.

~ Start to put everything away and he needs the bathroom again. Safety belt back on, back to the bathroom.

~ While he’s in the bathroom I wash up the breakfast things and incidentally clean the microwave.

~ Get him back from bathroom to recliner. Clean the bathroom – again.

~ Vacuum the living/dining room because – haircut debris.

~ Fill both of our weekly pill dispensers.

~ Do an Amazon order for more pills etm.

~ Take a break, sort through email.

~ Start lunch (our main meal of the day) – linguini with clam sauce. Put a Marie Callender pumpkin pie in the oven.

Warring aromas of pumpkin and garlic…

In between all this I have fetched and carried water, yogurt and cigarettes for my husband.

~ While the linguini is cooking I’m typing this. Oh look I’m sitting down!

It’s close to 12:30 and the linguini is just about done…Off I go.

FYI: this is the floor plan of my apartment –


I win!

My husband has the capacity to sit and stare at the television for several hours a day. In the evening he prefers if I sit and stare at it as well to ‘keep him company’. Considering that we spend 24/7 with each other I don’t understand this.

Over a period of time I downgraded cable television from “everything on offer’ to basic cable to cable internet only but superfast speed to, just recently when my husband quit working,  basic internet speed. And it still costs me $95 a month.

We’ve had Netflix for close to 20 years, from back when it was mailed DVD’s. Over the years we have added BritBox and Acorn. Then Hulu to substitute for live television that we used to get via cable.

Last year Hulu prices became insane and they stopped carrying our local news channels. I switched to Youtube TV so my husband could watch the local news and World News tonight with David Muir.  Since his illness in January he started watching tv during the day and we needed local channels for that (because, you know, Let’s Make a Deal and The Price is Right is essential television viewing.)

Youtube TV was $15 a month less than Hulu Live plus it had our local channels. Yes we lost Disney and ESPN – boo-hoo, who cares, never watched them. Just this week Youtube TV increased its prices and I’d had enough. Spending $75 a month just to watch the news? I don’t think so.

Now we have Peacock TV and Paramount+ for a monthly total of $16. My husband has live tv but only CBS and NBC. ABC is only available via Hulu Live. Good-bye David Muir. (And I think one of the game shows, I’m not sure, I don’t care!)

All the ways my husband can rot his brain: Hulu-No Ads ($14.99), Netflix ($15.49), Britbox ($6.99), Acorn ($6.99), Peacock TV ($6.00), Paramount+ ($9.99), PBS Passport ($60 a year for a PBS membership), I get Apple TV for free from my mobile phone provider and then there is the Roku Channel that comes free with the device.  Oh, I almost forgot – Prime Video as part of my Amazon membership.

That my friends is a boatload of crap.  How much of any of this do I avail myself of? Pretty much none of it.  If we didn’t have a television I wouldn’t miss it. If, by some chance, I actually wanted to passively sit and stare at a screen I could use my computer.  As a matter of fact when I DO want to watch something I watch on my computer because my husband and I have different notions of what constitutes entertainment.

He always says “I’ll watch whatever you want” My response is “You don’t like what I do and you just fall asleep” He says “A nap is always good” sure a nap just before bed. And why should he not be able to watch what he wants?  He has no interests or hobbies or anything to occupy his time. Let him watch what he wants, I say. Me? I don’t really give a rat’s ass. Plus – I have options.

To make up for him losing David Muir, I discovered I could give him a gift subscription to the New York Times, free, from my digital Times subscription. He is happy with that. He reads it on his iPad.


Idle Thoughts

4:20am – I’ve been awake since 1:30a and up and about since 2:30-ish. Took care of some paperwork, had breakfast and a couple of cups of coffee. I would kill for a cigarette but we’ve quit again; I don’t really see the point, not at our age – like I told my doctor recently, “I’m 76 and I wasn’t planning on living forever.”

My entire left side is crap, common wisdom would suggest it should be my right side since I am right-handed and therefore my right side is considered my dominant side. But Nooo – not me. Everything that goes wrong in/on my body does so on my left side.  My left shoulder hurts, my left arm and elbow and wrist joint hurt, my left hip and my lower back, on the left side hurts…

I’m back sharing a bed and bedroom with my husband and the expensive mattress we bought 2 years ago is one of the causes of my aches – the mattress suits him and his comfort – it is hard as a block of concrete. I prefer a hybrid medium firm with the top layer being gel foam – Ahh, such a nice comfy mattress. Husband prefers a block of concrete covered with something just a tiny bit soft.

You know what’s the interesting thing – about a year and a half ago I began sleeping in my ‘office’ which also functioned as a guest room and had a single bed in it.  Mostly because of my husband’s snoring and other assorted sleep noises – I finally decided the only chance I had of getting a decent night’s sleep was to sleep in another room – with the door closed. They can hear my husband snore and snort in Cleveland!  Plus the new mattress was killing me.

Here’s the interesting thing – the night my husband had his seizure I had decided to sleep in the the master bedroom with him. Why? He hadn’t been feeling well and something just nagged at me so THAT night I decided,just for that night, to stay close.  If I hadn’t made that decision I would have been sleeping in another room with the door closed, as I usually did,  and never heard him; never known he had a seizure; never even checked on him till hours later when I got up for the day.

If I hadn’t changed my sleeping habits that one night I wonder what my situation would be today? That will always nag at me just a teeny tiny bit – I could be free right now – maybe.

Despite my crazy sleep schedule I am finally sleeping a bit more – I think I have no choice I’ve been falling asleep literally standing up – so I’m feeling a bit more rested. I’m still  brain dead by mid-afternoon but everyday I seem to have a bit more energy. Yes, I still walk into rooms intent on doing something and then can’t remember what – And no that is NOT a usual thing for me – a lot of me is falling apart but my brain is still in quite good shape. Physical fatigue is getting under control but mental fatigue is still with me. I’m not sure how one alleviates mental fatigue.

It’s now 5:15am and I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open – might be time for a little nap as soon as I get my husband set up in his recliner. He got up about 4:30am – he’s had his meds and his breakfast. He can safely navigate around the apartment now, which has taken a lot of the pressure off me but this morning he’s seems a bit more wobbly, I might just wait until he gets all his stuff moved across the room. Being a man, he thinks he can safely maneuver a trip across the room using a cane, carrying a cup of coffee and a book with only one good hand. Experience has shown that is not going to happen.

I should have gone back to bad when I had the chance, my eyes may be at half staff but my brain is in overdrive…I know that if I go back to bed now I will just flip and flop and by the afternoon I will be stumbling over my own feet and will probably wind up taking a nap, whether I want to or not,  which means when it’s time to go to bed for the night I won’t be sleepy and this crazy sleep cycle will just keep rolling on…